"Would I goose a dime like you?"

DATE: Tuesday, August 2, 2005
PLACE: Work, after close
CAST OF CHARACTERS: Me, Roxana, Derek, Antonio


We're closing at work, Roxana and I, when we learn two new slang words from the kitchen brothers. There's "goosin'," which means playing around with someone, pulling their leg, etc. And "dime," a designation of female hotness.

At first listen, I would assume calling a girl a "dime" would mean she was of trivial or inconsequential importance. After all, what the fuck can you buy with a dime? It's the smallest piece of currency and the easiest to lose. Even among homeless people the phrase, "Brother, can you spare a dime?" has been replaced with, "Lemme getta dollar."

The pair of kitchen brothers - including one named Antonio who just finished serving time on a rape conviction - begs to differ. A dime represents the number ten, and everyone knows what a ten looks like. My ten might have a smaller ass than their ten, but still...

I point out that I've met more nickels than I can count and have been the object of lust of at least three pennies, including a dump truck of a young woman named Shelley who used to walk behind me so she could watch the cheeks of my ass jiggle through my black work pants.

The conversation turns to dating.

ROXANA: Where's a good place to take a woman out on a first date to impress her?
KITCHEN BROTHER DEREK: Shit, I think someplace like right here, like a classy Italian joint.
ROXANA: You think this place is classy? Our tablecloths are plastic and have drawings of fruit on them.
DEREK: You seen the prices on the menu? This is classy enough. Or, I don't know, you could take her to Quizno's or Subway.
ROXANA: Are you serious? On a date? Why not McDonald's?
KITCHEN BROTHER ANTONIO: I took a bitch to McDonald's. And I hit it an hour later.
ME: A McDonald's date got you laid? You must've let her supersize it.
ANTONIO: Yeah, she got some super size alright.
ME and ROXANA: (both laughing)
DEREK: Well, see, you don't take just any girl to McDonald's. By the time you got the date lined up, you pretty much already know what kind of girl she is. But McDonald's or a four-star restaurant, they all end the same.
ME: You hit it.
DEREK: Right, Drew. Date's over, dessert's in her belly, I drive her home and I axe her can I hit it.
ROXANA: That's how you phrase it? "Can I hit it?"
DEREK: Or, "Can I smash it?" Either one works.
ROXANA: What if you have to ask nicely? What's the nice way to ask, "Can I have sex with you?"
DEREK AND ANTONIO: Smash!
ANTONIO: There's way worse ways to ask than "smash," believe me.